Kevin Lagowski: Wow, the Phillies should have hired Don Mattingly years ago.
Could other former MLB players from the 1992 ‘Homer at the Bat’ episode of The Simpsons have made this same kind of impact? It's not too late to find out.
It was nothing but doom and gloom around here just a few weeks ago, and with good reason. But the Phillies had an opportunity before them to regain some ground, as 2008philz pointed out right here in this newsletter. The schedule was about to get soft, offering the opportunity to start piling up some numbers and wins, which they have. Give the Phillies credit for actually taking advantage of it, and send some props toward skipper Don Mattingly, who was inheriting a very weird and thorny situation.
This got me thinking, as I personally like to discount Mattingly’s entire 14-year, borderline-Hall of Fame MLB career and focus solely on his appearance on The Simpsons in 1992.
When I look around at the rest of the roster of ringers that Mr. Burns assembled for the nuclear power plant softball team, I see some other solid options that may have helped turn this Phils team around just as much as Donny Baseball has. Or, maybe it’s not too late to add them to the staff. Let’s explore.
(Warning: These jokes won’t land if you haven’t seen a 30-year old cartoon. You’ve been warned.)
Wade Boggs - We all know that Garrett Stubbs’ role as the team’s de facto social chair has kept him around way too long. So, who better to replace him than the guy who drank 73 beers on a flight and 107 in a day. If that can’t motivate the team, I don’t know what will. Later, Stubbs. I just hope that Phils players won’t get too carried away arguing with Boggs about British prime ministers.
Jose Canseco - Matched only by Lenny Dykstra in the category of “biggest mess of a human being since retiring from baseball,” Canseco can serve as a cautionary tale. People are going to remember all your failures as a player unless you approach this level of trainwreck after your playing days. So, Aaron, stop sucking soon or this is all we’ll remember about you.
Steve Sax - As far as I can tell, Steve Sax is still in prison for committing hundreds of murders in New York City, and he is unavailable at this time.
Ozzie Smith - Every infielder can learn a thing or ten from the Wizard (glove only, not at the plate). Trea Turner would really benefit if he stops trying to just act and look cool for five minutes. Or maybe we can just push Trea into the Springfield Mystery Spot if he doesn’t start playing better.
Roger Clemens - Actually, after the way the Phillies ditched Kody last year, I doubt that the Rocket would agree to help the club. Oh well, I think the Phillies will still be in good shape if they get a few of the other guys. The dream is within reach…
From the dustbin
29 years ago this week, the Phillies lost to Paul Busby and the Cardinals. St. Louis skipper Tony LaRussa, the man who invented baseball, had his genius on full display years before he was falling asleep in the dugout and at traffic lights.
Finally, have you seen the Braves lately? Jeez.
Even after a loss on Saturday, Atlanta is 31-15 and humming along all season. When you add up the other five division leads around baseball, the Braves’ NL East cushion is bigger than all of them combined. I know there are over 100 games left, but the Phillies have to be regarded as long shots to win the division this year. Know what, though? Screw it.
This team had a bye the last two years, and look where it got them. They’re either going to play well enough to win the World Series this fall, or they won’t. A best-of-3 to start the playoffs isn’t going to make a difference. Yeah, yeah, you can get into the logistics of having to use pitchers for two or three games and then facing a rested opponent, but it won’t matter one way or the other if all the big bats are going 1-for-14 in the NLDS. Just get there, and it will happen or it won’t.
So, let’s make this regular season about stats, baby. Schwarbombs are the most attractive item on the menu, of course, as Kyle’s recent insanity has him poised to possibly…
Pass Ryan Howard for the franchise single-season HR record (58)
Reach 400 career home runs this year (40 to go)
Climb as high as fifth on the team’s career dinger list (currently 10th, needs 37 to pass the current #5, Chuck Klein)
On a related note, John will soon be selling official Schwarber “Wawa Walloper” shirts at his store. I assume.
For more Phils ramblings from me, you can find me at thatballsouttahere.com or at my own site phillysportscomplex.com
Go Phils! Send me some free All-Star Game and/or Field of Dreams Game tickets!
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