What if the Phillies just sign everybody?

Here's the plan.

I think about this viral social media post from September almost every day:

Like any great joke, it’s funny because it’s true. The problems we face as a nation are complex and solutions require nuance. But We The People demand the simple fixes that we dreamed up as kids. Nobody wants to hear some nerd “expert” drone on about challenges or costs or unintended consequences.

In that spirit, here’s a simple plan to fix everything wrong with the Phillies.

Designated hitter: Re-sign Kyle Schwarber

A team with championship aspirations doesn’t let 56 home runs walk out the door. ESPN projects that Schwarber will land a four-year, $128 million deal. We’ll make it $140 million ($35 mil per year) just to make sure Schwarbs is happy.

2026 Philllies DH: Kyle Schwarber, $35 mil

Catcher: Re-sign J.T. Realmuto

Another no-brainer. Realmuto is not the player he was a few years ago, but he’s the best catcher on the market this offseason. His numbers will work just fine batting ninth in our new-look lineup. Realmuto’s ESPN-projected contract is two years, $32 million.

2026 Philllies C: J.T. Realmuto, $16 mil

First base: Sign Pete Alonso

Alonso hit .272 with an .871 OPS last season. He’s averaging 42 home runs per 162 games in his career. For a projected 4 year, $110 million deal? Sold.

2026 Philllies 1B: Pete Alonso, $27.5 mil

Second base: Move Trea Turner over from SS

Bryson Stott is a very underrated Phillie. His bat hasn’t developed the way many would like, but he provides Gold Glove-caliber defense and works counts better than anyone in the Phils’ lineup.

The Phils’ 2025 lineup, that is. We sadly have no room for Stott in ‘26. The reigning National League batting champ, in season four of a 13-year, $300 million contract, will take over at second.

2026 Phillies 2B: Trea Turner, $27.3 mil

Third base: Sign Alex Bregman

Projected to sign for five years and $160 mil, Bregman’s .273/.360/.462 slash line (.822 OPS) from 2025 will work just fine for the Phillies in 2026. He’s also a former Gold Glove winner.

2026 Phillies 3B: Alex Bregman, $32 mil

Shortstop: Sign Bo Bichette

We’re moving Turner to second base to accommodate Bichette, a career .294 hitter with 20-30 home run power. The Worldwide Leader in Sports says five years, $130 million will get it done.

2026 Phillies SS: Bo Bichette, $26 mil

Left field: Sign Kyle Tucker

Things are starting to get a little pricey. ESPN thinks Tucker will land an 11-year, $418 million deal. But do you want an .865 OPS and 30 HR in left field or not?

2026 Phillies LF: Kyle Tucker, $38 mil

Center field: Sign Cody Bellinger

Bellinger’s defense is probably better suited for a corner outfield spot, but we can live with the former MVP in center. He is expected to sign for 6 years, $165 million.

2026 Phillies CF: Cody Bellinger, $27.5 mil

Right field: Move Bryce Harper

Harper probably won’t mind this switch when we tell him about all the free agent additions. He’s under contract through 2031 at an average of $23.4 million/year.

2026 Phillies RF: Bryce Harper, $23.4 mil

The bench

Harrison Bader ($12.5 mil), Edmundo Sosa ($7.5 mil), Bryson Stott ($5.5 mil), Garrett Stubbs ($925,000), Mike Trout ($37.1 mil)

The rotation

Zack Wheeler ($42 mil), Cris Sanchez ($3.5 mil), Ranger Suarez ($23 mil), Aaron Nola ($24.6 mil), Jesus Luzardo ($12 mil). Very little work to do here except to re-sign Suarez.

Actually… let’s sign Framber Valdez (six years, $168 mil, $28 mil average) and Dylan Cease (five years, $145 mil, $29 mil average) just in case. We can stash them in the ‘pen.

The bullpen

Five spots remain on the roster. There’s no need to move on from Jhoan Duran ($8 mil), Jose Alvarado ($9 mil), Matt Strahm ($7.5 mil), or Orion Kerkering ($820,000).

Kerkering really helps keep costs down, you know?

All the Phillies need to do for the ‘pen is ink Edwin Diaz, who is expected to sign a four-year, $60 million contract this winter ($15 mil avg).

Here’s how the 2026 Phillies roster will look if they simply follow the plan:

Lineup-

1. Trea Turner (2B)

2. Kyle Schwarber (DH)

3. Bryce Harper (RF)

4. Kyle Tucker (LF)

5. Pete Alonso (1B)

6. Alex Bregman (3B)

7. Cody Bellinger (CF)

8. Bo Bichette (SS)

9. J.T. Realmuto (C)

Bench-

Stubbs (C), Sosa (IF), Stott (IF), Bader (OF), Trout (OF)

Pitching Staff-

Wheeler, Sanchez, Suarez, Nola, Luzardo, Valdez, Cease, Strahm, Kerkering, Alvarado, Diaz, Duran

Finances

The Phillies’ 2026 payroll, if they follow the easy steps set forth above, will reach $518.6 million.

There are, of course, some Competitive Balance Tax charges to account for. Under the CBT rules in place for ‘26, the team’s total costs for the year would get close to a billion dollars.

I, for one, believe John Middleton will happily pay this amount for a team that could take the Dodgers to six or seven games in next year’s NLCS.

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Tweets and skeets of the week

This can’t be true, can it? Man said Bryce Harper could end up in a ditch?

The citizens of Philadelphia would like to have a word with this MLB “high ranking deputy.”

Legalized gambling was a mistake. I say this as someone who gambles just about every day. Here are my reasons.

1. It was more fun when it was illegal. (This goes for marijuana as well.)

2. The constant advertising is a headache.

3. Hearing T-Mac or whoever discussing odds distracts from the game.

4. It sort of kills the wholesome pastime of fantasy sports.

5. Situations like this:

And yeah, these things happened when sports betting was underground. But there’s much more gambling now, and more gambling will inevitably lead to more scandals.

Most of us have made peace with the fact that the Phillies will never successfully sign one of these big Japanese stars. But it’s nice to read that the team should pass on Munetaka Murakami anyway:

Additionally, there’s no room for him on the roster after we execute the plan above.

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Poll time

If the Phillies fail to sign every big-name free out there, which of these players would you most like them to pursue? (Left out Schwarber and Tucker intentionally.)

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Hey.

Look at my dogs.

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