Which Philadelphia Phillie are You?

Take this quiz to find out.

John Foley

May 28, 2023

Are you a pitcher?
1. Sort of. - go to question 2
2. Yes. - go to question 3
3. No. - go to question 4
Are you a better pitcher than your dad?
1. Probably yes. - YOU ARE JOSH HARRISON.
2. Absolutely not. - YOU ARE KODY CLEMENS.
Do fans generally consider you to be an ace?
1. No. - go to question 4
2. Yes. - YOU ARE ZACK WHEELER.
3. It’s really complicated, I don’t want to fucking talk about it anymore. - YOU ARE AARON NOLA.
How long is your hair?
1. It’s pretty short. - go to question 7
2. It’s long af. - go to question 5
Has your hair ever been dry?
1. Yes. - go to question 6
2. Hell no. - YOU ARE BRANDON MARSH.
Which year were you most popular?
1. 2023. - YOU ARE MATT STRAHM.
2. 2022. - YOU ARE BAILEY FALTER.
3. Like 1975. - YOU ARE CRAIG KIMBREL.
Are you a catcher?
1. Yes. - go to question 8
2. No. - go to question 9
Can we talk about your whereabouts on January 6?
1. Sure, why not. I think I was drunk in Vegas. - YOU ARE GARRETT STUBBS.
2. No. - YOU ARE JT REALMUTO.
How many pounds of muscle did you gain this offseason?
1. Fewer than 15. - go to question 10
2. 15 pounds of muscle. - YOU ARE ALEC BOHM
3. More than 15. - YOU ARE NOT A PHILADELPHIA PHILLIE. YOU ARE ON STEROIDS.
Were you born in the Galapagos Islands?
1. Yes. - go to question 11
2. No. - go to question 12
How many humans have you killed?
1. Fewer than 200. - go to question 12
2. 200. - YOU ARE NOT A PHILADELPHIA PHILLIE. YOU ARE THE RED PHILLIE PHANATIC.
3. More than 200. - YOU ARE NOT A PHILADELPHIA PHILLIE. YOU ARE IGGY THE IGUANA.
Your teammate just hit a walk-off home run. What do you do?
1. High five a few people. - go to question 13
2. Silent fist pump. - go to question 13
3. I gotta go put some goddamn water on that teammate!!! - YOU ARE BRYSON STOTT.
How do bitches feel about you?
1. It’s unclear how bitches feel about me. - go to question 14
2. Bitches love me. - YOU ARE EDMUNDO SOSA.
Ever hit a baseball close to 500 feet?
1. Yes. - go to question 17
2. No. - go to question 15
Are you a relief pitcher?
1. Yes - go to question 16
2. No - go to question 18
Finish this sentence: “Strike one, strike two, and ________.”
1. “good luck.” - YOU ARE JOSE ALVARADO.
2. “ball four.” - YOU ARE ANDREW BELLATTI.
3. “anything can happen, I guess. I just try my best.” - go to question 18
What’s your favorite holiday?
1. Halloween or Thanksgiving or Christmas. - YOU ARE BRYCE HARPER.
2. Wawa Hoagiefest. - YOU ARE KYLE SCHWARBER.
3. They’re not technically holidays but I love funerals. - YOU ARE NICK CASTELLANOS.
Is there a sexy touch of grey in your beard?
1. Yes. - go to question 19
2. No. - go to question 23
Are you better at hitting baseballs or writing tweets?
1. Hitting baseballs. - YOU ARE JAKE CAVE.
2. Honestly, not very good at either. - YOU ARE NOT A PHILADELPHIA PHILLIE. YOU ARE PHILLIES ENTHUSIAST JOHN FOLEY.
Does anyone actually know who you are?
1. Yes - go to question 21
2. No - YOU ARE DALTON GUTHRIE.
Is pitch 4 a strike?
1. Of course not. - go to question 22
2. Yes. - YOU ARE NOT A PHILADELPHIA PHILLIE. YOU ARE HOME PLATE UMPIRE NATE TOMLINSON.
3. Who cares, I’m gonna swing at it either way woooooooooooo!!! - YOU ARE TREA TURNER.
Does your last name end in Z?
1. Yes. - go to question 23
2. No. - go to question 25
Are you Ranger Suarez?
1. Yes. -YOU ARE RANGER SUAREZ.
2. No. - go to question 24
Are you Seranthony Dominguez?
1. Yes. - YOU ARE SERANTHONY DOMINGUEZ.
2. No. - YOU ARE ANDREW VASQUEZ.
Are you Gregory Soto or Connor Brogdon?
1. I’m Gregory Soto. - YOU ARE GREGORY SOTO.
2. I’m Connor Brogdon. - YOU ARE CONNOR BROGDON.
3. No. - YOU ARE TAIJUAN WALKER.
Are we still guessing?
1. Dylan Covey maybe? Yunior Marte? Erich something? I’m sorry, nobody cares.

Exclusive new artwork from Ragnaroktopus Ink.

Congratulations to Craig Kimbrel on his 400th save!

Tweets of the week.

Matt Albertson has done an amazing job compiling a comprehensive list of Phillies fan groups such as the Wolf Pack, Thome’s Homies, etc. Includes lesser-known groups such as Werth’s Smurfs and Stutes Fruits.
https://twitter.com/MattDAlbertson/status/1661854566202089473?s=20
Can’t give Alec Bohm enough credit for the way he relentlessly worked to improve his defense at 3rd base.
https://twitter.com/OscarBudejen/status/1662569408286343168?s=20
Craig Kimbrel’s dad became a twitter celebrity as Craig joined the 400-save club.
https://twitter.com/Thomas_Carrieri/status/1662310976497041408?s=20
https://twitter.com/CogginToboggan/status/1662460317849333763?s=20
https://twitter.com/YoshkeZoidberg/status/1662297272560877568?s=20
https://twitter.com/ry_connolly/status/1662280097729060864?s=20

This week in 2008.

The 2008 Phils were 31-24 at the end of May 28, one half-game behind the Marlins in the NL East.

They split a four-game series in Houston to start the week. On May 22, Ryan Howard went 3 for 5 with his 13th home run as the Phillies won, 7-5. Brad Lidge picked up the save in his first appearance in Houston since his trade to the Phils. The Phillies then lost 4-3 on two consecutive nights (May 23/24). But on May 25, the bats came alive and the Phillies beat the Astros 15-6. Chase Utley (15), Pat Burrell (13), and Geoff Jenkins (3) hit home runs.

The next night was even wilder as the Phils came home and beat the Rockies 20-5. Utley hit another home run and went 3 for 6 overall with 6 RBI. They scored 7 runs in the first 2 innings the next night, ultimately winning 7-4. And on May 28, Utley hit his MLB-leading 17th home run as the Phillies won their fourth straight game. Adam Eaton earned the win, allowing one run in six innings.

Phillie you forgot about.

The 2014 Phillies are a fascinating mess of a team. It’s where all the aging stars from the 2007-2011 run overlap on the roster with guys like Cameron Rupp and Maikel Franco. Plus there are random gems like A.J. Burnett and Grady Sizemore.

One guy lost in the shuffle is righthander Jeff Manship, who pitched in 20 games for the Phils that year: 23 innings pitched, 6.65 ERA, 4.13 FIP, 1.65 WHIP, 1.14 K/BB ratio. After the 2014 season (his only season with the Phillies), Manship went to Cleveland and posted a 0.92 ERA and 0.76 WHIP in 32 appearances.