Puddin’ Head
The Phillies are looking good, but we need to talk about their nicknames.
I think about Poop Dogg a lot.
Best I can remember, Poop was an unremarkable neighborhood kid. Tall guy with blonde hair. His real name was probably Michael or Thomas or whatever.
He didn’t have any connection to Snoop Dogg, and to my knowledge he was never involved in any poop-related public incidents. The nickname made absolutely zero sense.
But when he walked past me and my idiot friends, I’ll be damned if he wasn’t Poop Dog.
“Aaaaaayyyy it’s Poop Dogg!”
“What’s goin’ on, Poop?”
“🎵Poop Dogg-y Daw-aww-aww-awwwgggg🎵”
It sounds cruel, but if anything it made this kid more popular. Or at least more memorable. I mean, here he is, years later, gracing the pages of a publication that (falsely) claims to be the biggest Phillies newsletter in the world.
Mr. Dogg has been on my mind ever since Bryson Stott’s 17-game season-opening hit streak broke Willie “Puddin’ Head” Jones’ Phillies record. Puddin’ Head is an undeniably great nickname, most likely borrowed from a 1934 song called "Wooden Head, Puddin' Head Jones."
And as much as we all love Bryson Stott, and as impressive as the hitting streak was, seeing him discussed alongside Puddin’ Head highlights his greatest weakness: Stott doesn’t have a good nickname.
People might call him Stotty or something, but that doesn’t really count. It’s certainly not as good as Puddin’ Head, and honestly it’s not even as good as Poop Dogg.
Stott’s problem is part of a widespread trend, I fear. Both the quantity and quality of nicknames across Major League Baseball are in decline. It’s not too late to turn it around, but we have work to do. Our players need nicknames. Especially the 2023 Phillies.
Step one is to revisit some of the greatest nicknames in baseball history. We’ll split them into three divisions: Phillies nicknames; MLB Hall of Famer nicknames; and the Best of the Rest.
Phillies nicknames
The 2008 Phillies pitched well, hit well, and fielded well. But they probably won the World Series because they had great nicknames. “J-Roll” for Jimmy Rollins was a no-brainer. Shane Victorino was a speedster from Hawaii, making “The Flyin’ Hawaiian” perfect. (Rhyming nicknames are top-tier.) Chase Utley was simply “The Man,” christened as such by Harry Kalas himself. Beautiful nickname.
Charlie Manuel named slugger Ryan Howard “The Big Piece,” and it’s hard to imagine him as anything else. “Pat the Bat” Burrell? Classic. Jayson Werth wasn’t sporting the Werewolf look yet, but “J-Dub” was fine. “Pete Happy” was just an English translation of Pedro Feliz, but it was adorable.
Carlos Ruiz’s “Chooch” nickname was brilliant because it let fans do the extended “ooooooooooooo” sound. The nickname started out as “Chucha” (utilized like an F-bomb in Ruiz’s native tongue) in the minor leagues, after a slumping Ruiz used the term with impressive frequency one season. But the anglicized “Chooch” always felt wholesome and fun, much like the player himself.
The 2008 team also had Cole “Hollywood” Hamels on the mound. Hamels was from California and very much a pretty boy, so that was another no-brainer. With any luck, Hamels would go seven shutout innings before turning the ball over to Ryan “Mad Dog” Madson (part of the group of late-inning relievers known as the “Bridge to Lidge”) for the eighth. And finally, Brad “Lights Out” Lidge would end the game. 48 times in 48 save opportunities, Lidge came through that year. The absolute definition of Lights Out.
This phenomenon isn’t limited to 2008. Check out the nickname power on these other great Phillies teams:
1993: This squad doesn’t get very far with Darren, John, Dave, Leonard, Peter, Bienvenido, and Mitchell.
But Dutch, The Krukker, Head, Nails, Inky, Big Ben, and Wild Thing went to the World Series.
1980: Peter, Michael, Gregory, Garry, Arnold, Steven, and Frank probably lose 100 games.
But Charlie Hustle, Schmitty, The Bull, The Secretary of Defense, Shake n Bake, Lefty, and Tug won the franchise’s first championship.
1950: If they were just the “1950 Phillies” featuring Willie, Don, Russell, and Ralph? They could be long-forgotten by now.
But the “Whiz Kids” featuring Puddin’ Head, Whitey, the Mad Monk, and Putsy? Legendary forever.
Can’t end the Phillies division without mentioning Roy “Doc” Halladay, Dick Allen a.k.a the “Wampum Walloper” or “Crash,” “Schoolboy Rowe” (born Lynwood Thomas Rowe), Octavio “Cookie” Rojas, John “Dirty Jack” Doyle, Pearce “What’s the Use?” Chiles, Clifford Cravath a.k.a “Gavvy” or “Cactus,” Gary “Sarge” Matthews, Jean “Jeanie Bo Beanie” Segura, Robert “Death to Flying Things” Ferguson, George “Satan” Stutz, Vance “Vanimal” Worley, and William “Pickles” Dillhoefer.
MLB Hall of Famer nicknames
Players might be able to get to the Hall of Fame without a moniker, but their HoF cred is boosted 1000% if they have a killer nickname. Presented for your consideration:
“Hammerin’” Hank Aaron: Tells you everything you need to know about the man who hit 755 career home runs. Taking the alliteration into account, it’s an all-time nickname for an all-time great.
Stan “The Man” Musial: It’s sort of a shame that Chase Utley took this one. It fit Musial pretty well until then.
George “Babe” Ruth a.k.a “The Sultan of Swat” or “The Great Bambino”: Would’ve hit like 200 career home runs *max* if he was just George.
Ozzie Smith, “The Wizard of Oz”: Can’t do much better than this. A defensive wizard named Oz? I mean, c’mon.
Osborne Earl Smith would’ve barely been able to field a ground ball. Probably would have been an accountant.
Reggie Jackson, “Mr. October”: Another nickname that tells you everything you need to know, and was earned purely through on-the-field accomplishments.
Fred “Crime Dog” McGriff: Heartbreaking to realize some young people may not know that this is a play on McGruff the Crime Dog. McGruff deputized ‘80s kids to deliver justice to criminals by any means necessary.
Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown: Am generally not a fan of farm-machinery accidents. But one particular farm-machinery accident in 1888 gave us this incredible nickname. (It also gave Brown a unique grip and a devastating curveball.)
Frank Thomas a.k.a “The Big Hurt”: He’s big and he hurt baseballs. A little on-the-nose, I guess. If they went the ironic route he could’ve been “Lil Frankie” or “Tiny T.” Too late now.
Nolan Ryan, “The Ryan Express”: Nolan Ryan only threw like 50mph until he got this nickname. Next stop, the Hall of Fame.
Walter “Big Train” Johnson: Another would-be accountant transformed into an all-time great baseball player, purely through the power of a nickname.
Best of the Rest
“Oil Can” Boyd: Does anyone ever use his real first name? (It’s Dennis.)
“Shoeless” Joe Jackson: Are you telling me this guy hit .356 for his career while playing barefoot?
Johnny Dickshot a.k.a “Ugly”: This outfielder was blessed with both an outstanding government name and a spectacular nickname. He called himself the “Ugliest Man in Baseball.”
Jimmy “Foxy Grandpa” Bannon: Some players are ugly and some are foxy. Good nicknames help us tell them apart.
Marc Rzepczynski, “Scrabble”: Throw Rzepczynski down over a triple-word score square to truly appreciate this one.
Arlie Latham, “The Freshest Man on Earth”: A 19th-century nickname that was way ahead of its time.
Mike Hargrove, “The Human Rain Delay”: Known for his excessively long routines at the plate, he probably couldn’t have played in the pitch clock era.
We could go on all day, but let’s get back to our mission. The 2022 Phillies were just a few good nicknames away from a championship. We can push them over the top if we get this right.
Suffering from a little bit of writer’s block, I asked an AI chatbot for help getting started. It didn’t go well:
Undeterred, I worked day and night this week to come up with a lineup of names that will win this year’s World Series. The Phillies’ new nicknames are as follows:
Bryson Stott: “Poop Dogg”
Trea Turner: “Dr. Trea”
Bryce Harper: “The Freshest Man on Earth”
Nick Castellanos: “Nick Nasty”
Kyle Schwarber: “Pimpin’ Kyle”
JT Realmuto: “Jam Tarts Realmuto”
Brandon Marsh: “The Wet Wookie”
Alec Bohm: “Puddin’ Head”
Edmundo Sosa: “Thunderdick”
Ok those actually suck. Help me out in the comments and we’ll finalize the players’ official nicknames next week.
Exclusive new artwork from Dhwani Saraiya.
Sometimes nicknames alone can’t power a team to a championship. At 11-13, this year’s Phillies were missing something else as well. Luckily, they found it in the form of Major, a service dog in training. The Phils are 4-0 since Major joined the squad.
Huge thank you to dsaraiyart for this piece. We’ll feature more of her brand new work in the newsletter over the next few weeks. And just about every day, a new guest writer or artist is joining the 2008 team.
Upgrade your membership today to help support our talented friends and receive a free 2008 t-shirt:
Tweets of the week.
Would’ve loved to get a few more wins against the Astros last October. But some wins against them this week helped us heal, if only a little bit:
https://twitter.com/_piccone/status/1652140334049120257?s=20
If you haven’t noticed, the Phillies can hit:
https://twitter.com/CSeidmanNBCS/status/1652456326516158465?s=20
Also the bullpen is looking great:
https://twitter.com/BobWankelCB/status/1650515280278302726?s=20
Also the rotation looks like it’s rounding into form:
https://twitter.com/philly_isaac/status/1652448959590277120?s=20
I really try not to put Phillies Muse in this section every week. But everyone needs to see this:
https://twitter.com/Phillies_Muse/status/1651968510329847809?s=20
This week in 2008.
The 2008 Phils were 15-13 (same as 2023!) at the end of April 30. They trailed the division-leading Marlins by half a game.
On April 24, the Phillies beat the Brewers, 3-1. Jayson Werth hit his fourth home run, and Jamie Moyer had a classic Jamie Moyer outing: 6 IP, 8 H, 1 R, 3 BB, 4 K. The bullpen threw three scoreless innings.
Next they won two of three in Pittsburgh: Werth homered again in a 6-5 victory on April 25; Ryan Howard hit his fifth home run in an 8-4 win on April 26; and the Pirates got to Brett Myers in a 5-1 loss on April 26.
Back home in Philly, the team beat the Padres 7-4 in a Cole Hamels/Greg Maddux matchup, then dropped the next game 4-2. Chase Utley hit his 11th home run in the loss. He was slashing .360/.430/.766 (1.195 OPS) through 28 games.
Phillie you forgot about.
In the April 25, 2008 win noted above, infielder Brad Harman hit an RBI double in the 4th inning, scoring Eric Bruntlett. It was Harman’s first and last major league hit.
He played exactly 6 major league games in his career, all in 2008 between April 22 and May 8. Career slash line: .100/.182/.200. He’d later find some success in the Australian Baseball League.
Prize winners.
Congrats to free subscribers using the twitter handles SHANrockshake21 and philliesAB for winning 2008 t-shirts, and to paid subscriber kesh25 for winning a Bryson Stott-autographed 8x10.
DM me mailing addresses and t-shirt sizes on twitter to claim your prizes, or email me at: foley.john@gmail.com.
If you didn’t win this week, don’t worry. More giveaways next week.
This is the section of the newsletter where I make you look at dogs.
Here’s what it would’ve looked like if Major was around in 2008.
Thank you for reading, and a huge thank you to everyone who upgraded to a paid subscription this week. It feels like we’re building an amazing little community together. Go Phils.
Bryson “Tater” Stott
Alex “Ka” Bohm
Brandon “Duck” Marsh
Nikki Stixx for Castellanos