When It's Over
Eight months of emotional investment. 31 Grapefruit League games. 162 regular season games. 13 postseason games.
Now it’s over.
If you’re like me, it leaves a hole in your heart.
And look, this isn’t my first rodeo. Thirty years ago, a tiny little version of me watched Joe Carter rip a Mitch Williams fastball over the left field fence in Toronto. About ten years later, still at an age when this type of pain is its most intense, it was the McNabb-era Eagles crushing my dreams: Consecutive NFC Championship Game losses to the Rams, Bucs, and Panthers capped off by a Super Bowl failure against the Patriots.
In 2011 it was the Phils again. I felt physically ill as Ryan Howard fell to the ground with a torn Achilles while St. Louis celebrated an NLDS victory. Just last year, I sat stone-faced in the 400 level of the Bank as the Phillies failed to muster a hit in Game Four of the World Series. (That game wasn’t officially the end of the 2022 ride, but in retrospect it sort of was.) A few months later, I watched my Birds blow a ten-point halftime lead in the Super Bowl.
This probably isn’t your first rodeo either. Your torture might date back to the Whiz Kids’ 1950 World Series loss, or to the 1964 Phillies collapse, or to Black Friday in 1977, or to the Raiders’ upset of the Eagles in Super Bowl XV. Your particular brand of pain may be more Sixers- or Union- or Flyers-centric, or it might involve different teams altogether. But if you’re reading this, I am certain you are familiar with this feeling.
The disappointment. The crash. The grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. All of it. We’ve been here before. Again and again. We’ve been to a lot of these rodeos.
Everything that brought you joy over the course of the year—the offseason signings, the big comebacks, the wild celebrations, the damn Calum Scott song—suddenly makes you wince.
Sometimes the overwhelming feeling is just exhaustion. We sit here in October and wonder how we could possibly let ourselves get this invested in a Phillies team ever again. The 2023 season was a spectacular rollercoaster ride that eventually went off the rails, killing scores of spectators. How could we possibly get back on the ride? Why would we do that?
But we will.
You know we will.
Time will pass. After a long, dark winter, we’ll look to Clearwater as pitchers and catchers report. There will be some new faces, some new reasons to believe that the 2024 season will be different. We’ll set ourselves up for the exact same disappointment that we feel right now.
We are fans of a franchise that pre-dates the invention of the automobile but has only captured two championships. Only two Phillies seasons out of 141 ended the way we hoped. Two! TWO!
But we’ll be back in the Spring, and we’ll have our sights set on a third.
In the meantime? Do whatever you need to do to protect your emotional well-being. Rage out online at a particular player who no-showed in the NLCS. Lead a charge to fire the manager. Maybe focus more on your job, or your kids, or the NFL. Start a new exercise routine, if fitness is your thing. Or engage in your favorite vice, whatever that may be: wake and bake, or have an afternoon glass of scotch, or call up your most toxic ex later tonight. Hate-watch the World Series, or maybe tune it out completely.
Whatever you need to do, do it. And don’t feel guilty. This is *you* time. It’s self-care.
This pain, like the others, will eventually fade. I promise you. It will never go away completely, but there’s a certain melancholic beauty in that. Sharing these devastating memories makes the rare championship years even more magical. These memories bring us together as a fanbase. They make us stronger.
Tough times make tough fans, and that’s why Phillies fans are the toughest.
Exclusive new artwork from Olivia Smith - IG: @oliviahsmithdesign
Can’t blame the NLCS disaster on Ranger, that’s for sure.
This is the section of the newsletter where I make you look at dogs.
Go Birds. Your turn to break my heart, I suppose.
Thanks for a great season, everyone. The newsletter will continue in the offseason. And I may have some big news to share soon… please stay tuned. - John
Excellent piece John. I was totally in denial after last night’s game, filled with a lot of emotion. This morning I woke up and honestly I wasn’t feeling much better. Last year wasn’t as much of a heart break because I don’t think anyone expected us to be in the World Series. This year was different. This year we knew we belonged. After the first two NLCS games we all thought we knew the outcome. I was personally planning my work schedule around the World Series week and today just feels empty. Your article gave me solace. Keep up the great work!
When they win, the joy is unbelievable. But when they lose, the pain can be unbearable. To be a Phillies fan is to know heartache and pain. I’m blessed to have seen two World Series Championships in my lifetime and to have been there in person to celebrate in 2008. I truly believed that a third was possible this season. What an amazing run, capped off by such a disappointing finish. It will take time for the pain to fade — it never truly goes away — but come spring training our hearts will once again believe and long for bedlam at the bank! What a great season of writing, John! I’m looking forward to more to come!